If Your Selling Point is Being ‘Nice,’ You Need To Rethink That

There's been some confusion lately as to how men should behave around women. Allow me to clear it up, starting with a metaphor. (A gross simplification, but a metaphor nonetheless.)

Of the thousands of people who walk into the Louvre every day, probably 90 percent glance at Van Gogh's portrait and think something along the lines of, “That's really nice.” Do those people follow that up with, “I want to take it home with me,” and then pay billions of dollars to take Van Gogh home with them? No, they don’t. Because it's possible to acknowledge that something is decent without needing to make it a part of your life. 

Men, the same concept applies to you. Plenty of women might think you're perfectly pleasant to look at (and/or converse with), but that doesn't mean they're willing to commit "billions of dollars" worth of time and energy to be with you in any capacity -- dating, sex, a relationship, you name it. Even if you're really nice.

Being nice does not make you entitled to a woman’s affection. It shouldn’t even be considered the bare minimum, although sadly, it often is. Kindness should be a given, whether you’re pursuing a woman or not. Deciding that your selling point is that you’re ‘nice’ means you’re seriously flawed as a human being. Do you also congratulate yourself for breathing? If nice isn't just your neutral state, then it's a no from me, dawg.

I’ve fallen into the trap before: I’ve been persuaded (by myself as much as others) that nice is enough. I’ve seen women grapple with extreme guilt for not feeling a connection to the nice guy. Here’s the thing: being nice is just a prerequisite. Relationships require so much more of a partner — understanding, support and helpfulness, for starters. It takes time to get to know someone well enough to truly understand them. It takes energy to support someone, whether things are going well or poorly. And it takes patience and attention to be helpful with even the smallest things. These are qualities that take real effort, and while they should be expected, they're also worthy of appreciation. Then there’s genuine connection, which sometimes can be built through time and shared experiences, and sometimes cannot. And the woman is not at fault when you find out it’s the latter. 

Let me speculate for a moment: maybe the whole “nice guy” entitlement is exactly the reason some women are attracted to the “bad guy” type — because it’s more exasperating to date someone who’s self-congratulating about having basic human decency than to be with someone who’s at least a little self-aware of their shortcomings.

I wrote an analytical essay on love in middle school and got a "C-" on it, so I may not be an expert on the topic. But I do know that in preschool, we were all taught to be nice, and you don't deserve an award for it. I’m tired of women being conditioned to set low expectations, yet we're expected to maintain high standards. For once, the onus should be on men to give us a reason to raise our expectations. That starts with not feeling entitled to our time as a reward for doing what the rest of us are doing automatically every day: being nice.